


Behind the Trigger

by karmy18



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015), kara danvers and lena luthor - Fandom, supercorp - Fandom
Genre: F/F, Following 5x08 I had to write something, Lena Luthor and Kara Danvers are in love, and, here's wonderwall, otherwise it wouldn't hurt like it does, so I wrote this, this is way more than friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:41:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21643126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karmy18/pseuds/karmy18
Summary: Following 5x08 I wanted to see a scene where Kara speaks to Lena as Kara Danvers (not Supergirl). So I wrote this, what happens as the camera leaves Kara on her own couch staring at a photo of her and Lena.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor/Supergirl
Comments: 9
Kudos: 284





	1. Behind the Trigger

**Author's Note:**

> “How many nights have I lain here like this, feverish with plans, with fears, with the last sentence someone spoke, still trying to finish a conversation already over?”  
> — Kim Addonizio

Kara holds the picture in her hands. She tries to think back to when it was taken. She remembers Lena’s smile. She remembers what it felt like for her to be there with her. She would have moved the Earth to get her smile. That night it didn’t take any superhero feats. Kara Danvers had been enough that night for Lena. One person had made all the difference.

That’s not what it is now. Kara feels so far away from that place and those people in the photo. All she wants to do is talk to the person she hurt. There is desire burning within her. Lena was not a villain. She was hurt. Kara knows she’s at the root of it. After everything. She berates herself over and over again. She plays the words again the look of agony splashed across Lena’s face in the fortress. She remembers how Lena clenched her jaw so hard that the muscle in her cheek fluttered. Kara could tell she was trying to hold it together. The emotions were rolling off of her.

Kara remembered, she couldn’t forget. Not for the life of her.

It wasn’t just that she wanted to fix this, she had to. There was no other way in her mind.

This was not going to be the end. Kara swore to herself that it wouldn’t be. She had to make it right. She wanted to be the reason that Lena smiled. That’s all Kara ever wanted for her. Lena was more than a person. She was _the_ person to Kara. She didn’t know what it was going to take. Kara had known endings, stark conclusions that rushed past her. Each time someone she loved re-entered her life they left all too soon. Kara didn’t know how to make people stay. She had promised Lena that she would never hurt her. And what had she done? She had hurt her? She had wounded her and now she was reeling in the pain.

Kara just wanted to talk to the person who made the world a little less frightening. The same person who when they first met said that they wanted to be more than just their family name. Lena always wanted to be someone. To Kara it was never a question. She had fucked it up along the way. She couldn’t and wasn’t surprised with herself and her shortcomings. The result though, Lena looking at her with raw hatred, Kara would fight against tooth and nail. Somethings she couldn’t leave as they were. This was one of those things. This couldn’t be the end. Not today. Kara promised herself this. It wasn’t about being super. It was about being true to the person she had always wanted to be.

Lena watches Kara land on her balcony. She sees her in plainclothes, jeans and a gray zip-up. It’s benignly normal and it makes her mad. Why did Kara have to play with fire and come like this.

She’s slow to open the door.

Kara remains where she is. Lena thinks she looks frightened as if she’s not the one who came in the first place.

Kara doesn’t trust her own voice. “Can we talk?”

Lena can’t help but cross her arms over her chest. She thinks that all of this is futile. Each conversation had gone the same way. Lena had walked away from her before. Except Kara had been the one who had first turned her back.

Kara takes her lack of response as an okay to talk. “I’m sorry all right. I didn’t know what Alex was doing when I beamed into the bunker. I just had to talk to you. Do you understand that?”

Lena detests the fact that Kara can hear her heart thunder in her chest. She felt like it was betraying her.

“I just, I’m, I’m sorry Lena, so sorry. I’m in physical pain that I hurt you. I swore that I wouldn’t and I just, I fucked up. I know I did and I’m sorry for that.”

Lena stays where she is. The space between them remains but there are tears in Lena’s eyes. Kara sees them but she doesn’t say anything.

She starts again. Her voice wavers. “You stopped the kryptonite cannons today. You could have put me down. You didn’t though.” She swallows hard. “I’m grateful to you. You’re not your brother.”

“I told you I’m not a villain.”

“I know. I know. I want to thank you for the chance.”

“Kara what do you want from me?”

Lena catches Kara’s eyes dart down to her lips and then back to her eyes. The part of her which wants to give in to whatever this is only grows bigger.

Kara feels like they’re on some sort of precipice. She may not be flying but she can feel the wind reminding her of the proverbial edge.

Her heart ached. Why was it more when it came to Lena?

Lena’s tired. It went beyond the day she’s had and the problems she’s had to solve over and over again. She had admitted defeat. The world was not in her favor. There were times to give in and today had been one of those days.

Kara was right there. Not Supergirl but Kara. The woman who was her supposed best friend. The woman who she had divulged her secrets too. It had not been easy but the words had come and she had given it all to her. Lena would have poured herself dry for Kara Danvers. They were the same person, Supergirl and Kara Danvers. But the vulnerable woman on her balcony in that very moment wasn’t a superhero. There was no cape or boots. It was the woman who she had opened herself up for again and again. Why couldn’t it have been enough? Lena wanted to know why she wasn’t enough.

“Are you going to hurt me again?”

The words are weak. Lena watches Kara take in the question.

“I don’t want to. I never meant to hurt you Lena.”

“But you did.”

She agrees. “I did.”

Kara and Lena stare at each other as if they both could find the answers hidden on the others person.

Not today. Not tonight.

“You know I loved you.”

Lena doesn’t realize what she’s said until its out between them both.

Kara stoops over as if she’s gotten the wind knocked from her.

Kara’s eyes are glassy when they meet Lena’s. Lena can tell that she’s so damn earnest. After everything the whole thing hurts. She wishes she could walk inside and take off the layers of pain and strife. She was burdened with feeling too much.

Kara was more honest than she ever had been before. “I think what I feel is more. I’ve never felt this way for a friend before.”

Lena tries to quell the hopeful feeling growing within her. She wonders if life would be easier if she didn’t feel anything at all.

She goes out further. “I don’t know how to do this. I’ve never been very good at being human.”

“You were always my favorite when you were Kara with me.”

“Really?”

Lena nods. “Yes. I was honest when I said Kara Danvers was my hero. That’s why it hurts so much.”

“I want to be that person for you.”

“The thing was you never had to try.”

Kara scoops Lena up into a bear hug. She cradles her against her chest. Lena breathes in and past the tears.

This was the person, the Kara Danvers, she had fallen in love with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure what this is. But I had the need to write so that's what I did.  
> Thanks for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

Lena is laying on her back staring up at the ceiling wondering what the actual fuck had happened.

She had said the words which she had kept trapped inside. Lena had said it without being pressed, tortured or even asked. The words had spilled forth from her own lips.

Lena was shocked by their conversation. She had hoped Kara would come to her but she had not expected it. It was like it was too good to be true.

Kara wanted her. Lena wasn’t used to the people in her life telling and proving that they cared for her. There had been Jack. But Lena was the one who put him and their relationship down. At the time it was almost too easy. The decision had been made in her mind and there was no turning back. She didn’t want to think about the irony that she had chosen Supergirl over him. Not tonight. Her mind went to James. She didn’t have the same answers. James was what she thought she had needed or rather who she wanted to be. Two high power adults striking up a relationship. It made sense in her analytical mind. The ending(s) that they had found were inevitable. Lena thought that was what all her relationships had: expiration dates.

That’s what scared her about Kara. Love meant having something to lose. It required that something from her person’s be cast out and put on the line. The last thing Lena was loose and fast with was her emotions. She had prided herself on that again and again.

It wasn’t that her heart was aching as more and more details filtered in throughout the time she was waiting for sleep to wash over her. What did she have to mourn if Kara and her were going to have a second chance?

Kara brings Lena lunch in her office the following day.

The chinese food sits on the table by the couch. Kara asks if she’s okay.

Lena gets up from her desk smoothing out her skirt. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Kara doesn’t know if Lena wants her to call her out on her deflection. “You look tired. I can leave you be if you want, if you have a lot of work to do.”

“No, I just didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.”

Lena takes a seat on the couch. Kara mirrors her.

Kara plays with her chopsticks before putting them down and looking to Lena. “I’m going to ask again because I’m concerned,” Lena’s heart rate spikes. “Are we,” She gestures between them. “Okay?”

Lena nods.

“You look like you saw a ghost.”

There’s a lump in her throat. Kara sees her. She can’t hide.

“Lena.”

The expression on Kara’s face is reminiscent of the prior night. It’s as if its all on the line again. Lena doesn’t want to understand why everything between them is so high stakes. It’s not hot and cold. It’s on fire. She can’t ignore it.

“I don’t know how to do this.”

“Do what?”

Her vision shimmers as she tries to blink the tears away. “I don’t know how to be your friend.”

She hears Kara take a sharp intake of breath.

Lena feels like she’s careening down a mountain and she’s waiting to splat into a tree. She’s not in control.

“Can we try though?”

Lena doesn’t look at the person who her mind kept coming back to. She doesn’t know what she would want to see. But right now she wants to cling to what it felt like when she was in Kara’s arms and her mind was still. Anything was easier than the current moment she found herself in.

Kara waits and waits as the seconds tick past them both. She thinks that it’s not about her. It is, but it isn’t. Because Lena’s struggling with something and all she wants to do is fix it. But she knows that there are some things in life that no matter how hard she tried to make right they couldn’t be fixed. Alex had told her that when they were teenagers in Midvale. Kara couldn’t fix everything. And sometimes situations weren’t meant to be fixed all at once. Rather, the troublesome situation was meant to be shared from one person to another. The act of saying something aloud, giving a voice to what had been trapped inside, was a vulnerable act of sharing. Vulnerability wasn’t something to be glossed over. There was certainly nothing to be fixed about it either. It simply was even if it made Kara’s skin crawl that she couldn’t do something to alleviate the pain.

If Lena was mad it would be different, she thinks that it would be easier. She would burn hot and she could set it all aflame. Then she wouldn’t have the same regrets of walking away. If all that was left was ruins how could she feel bad about forging ahead?

Lena wasn’t walking away and neither was Kara.

The answer was that Kara and Lena had to rebuild.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter. I'm always afraid that I'm writing the same story. But what I have always craved is that one more conversation. Sometimes the people who we love have the greatest capacity to hurt us. But if we're crazy enough to try sometimes life can surprise us. I honestly haven't had success when it comes to romantic endeavors. But I have always regretted saying nothing. The times I did speak honestly (even if the outcome was nothing in return) it meant something. To love is one of the most rare things in this life.   
> ...So yeah... There's more to come for these two. I promise. I'll try to make it their own and this story (unlike the others I've put up here).   
> As always, thanks for reading.


	3. Chapter 3

Lena had no intention to unload on Kara. She resented the fact that Kara was standing there taking it all. She thinks it would be easier if she got mad and yelled back.

“Sometimes it hurts to look at you.” Lena watches Kara shutter. “I see you and I don’t know who I am looking at. Reconciling Kara Danvers and Supergirl, it’s two worlds meeting while all it does is slap me in the face with my own stupidity.

“You know it could be funny. Me developing feelings for you and thinking that anything could even happen. Do you know how long I had feelings for Andrea before she broke my heart too? What about Sam? All I do is fall for unavailable women. What does that say about me?

“Kara what does that say about me?”

She receives no answer.

Kara stands there like a knight in shining armor.

Lena goes on. There’s no stopping her. The words come fast. “I would have done anything for you. I did do everything for you. I came to National City and I had promised myself that I was done with relationships and people, You broke down every barrier I had put up. You brought down my walls. It’s my own fault for thinking it was a good thing.”

She hears Kara say her name. She’s not ready yet. The longer she keeps talking the farther she puts off dealing with what’s already out there. It’s going backwards not further. Lena wonders why she’s not used to it by now.

“I loved you Kara. I, Lena Luthor was in love with you Kara Danvers. It wasn’t a choice. I loved you and I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Her vision is blurry with tears. She knows its misdirected. It’s not all on Kara. They’re supposed to be past it anyhow.

Kara opens her arms to Lena. Lena hates herself as she sags into Kara.

Anger had been easier. It had run its course. Now Lena had to pick up the pieces and clean her own mess.

Kara doesn’t say anything. She’s not waiting for an apology. Her heart hurts for her friend. She had expected something like this to occur. She had thought of it like it was some sort of ticking time bomb. Lena was going to tell her how she really felt, the negative emotions surfacing one day or another. That night was the day. She wasn’t surprised. To Kara it feels warranted. It’s inevitable for all the negativity to emerge. It wouldn’t be a real relationship between two people if it were not for arguments. Kara doesn’t like it. But she also understands it. She won’t forget it either.

When they break apart Kara wipes her tears away with her thumb. The tenderness pains Lena in a way she doesn’t remember feeling before.

“I don’t deserve this.”

Kara doesn’t say anything. She knows if she had said that Lena deserved only the best she’d be shut down. So she looks at the woman next to her and she sees her beauty shine through. Lena was a light. Kara could always find her no matter the size of a crowd. Lena was more than one in a million. There was only one Lena Luthor.

The woman in front of her sighed. “You’d think that a so called genius like myself would be smarter than this. I should know better than to get my heart broken.”

Kara’s the one who had broken her heart. She’s also the one sitting on the couch with Lena. It’s just them. It seemed to always come back to that.

She sniffles.

Kara speaks. “I was supposed to be in the science guild, before my life on Earth.”

Lena’s attention is directed at Kara.

She shrugs. “I was the one who was supposed to take care of Kal, Clark, I mean. Not that that happened either…”

She doesn’t know what to say. There is no fixing this. There is no bandaid to apply to the situation or their relationship.

“I’ve failed Lena. And I hate those moments where I’m just not quick enough. Or when I’m the root of the problem. I have always sworn to do more good than harm.” Kara takes a few breaths. “I’m sorry I hurt you. That’s not your fault. I should have, I should have done a lot of things different than I did. And I know what it feels to have loved and lost. I mean I don’t know what you’re feeling, not exactly. I don’t want to belittle you.

“I just, I know that it sucks and that words don’t do feelings justice. I’ve lost so much in my life. You know that. Love is a perilous thing. The risk is undeniable. Because there is no safe way to love. If there was everyone would do it. Not everyone has that in their lives.

“You are so much more than enough. I’m not worthy of your love. I can’t speak for anyone else but myself. But even though I didn’t know it at the time it means more than I can say that you did have those feelings and you did tell me even if it was after the fact. Love is just, it’s intangible and it’s one of those rare things, across the world, across the planets either. Love is more.”

The words aren’t what Lena expected. Nothing seems to be what she thinks when it comes to Kara Danvers these days. It’s not the hot anger which she had pushed upon her. Nor is it the cool emotion of someone whose unaffected and detached. It’s anything but easy.

They are on the same couch but there are miles between them. Lena wonders if the closer they get the farther they’re driven from the other. 

She knows Kara. She had thought she had known her for years.

Kara’s sincere. “I’ll be here tomorrow if that’s okay?”

Her voice cracks, “Why though?”

Kara sees Lena’s wounds. She knows that the woman tries her best to keep them covered at all costs. But somethings could not be hidden, not by someone who dared to look.

“Because you agreed to let me back into your life. Just because you yelled at me doesn’t mean I’m leaving forever. Tomorrow we can try again and we can talk again. If you want you can tell me about the others. Or you can tell me what our next steps are. This is a relationship Lena. I’m not giving up.”

Lena can only stare her mouth agape.

There is no response. Kara places a kiss to her forehead before leaving.

Lena doesn’t move. Tomorrow. There was more ahead. Kara was in it. Her heart may have been broken but Kara wanted to help her mend it.

\---

It's days later when Lena finds herself within Kara's space.

“Sometimes anger is easier.”

Kara stops what she’s doing in her kitchen.

“You didn’t deserve my tirade.”

She shrugs. “You were feeling.”

“No one deserves that.”

“Maybe we can work on that then?” Kara’s hopeful.

Lena nods in affirmation. “I’d like that.”

Kara smiles and it lights up Lena’s entire world.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following the conclusion of Crisis, reality is supposed to resume as normal. Kara feels the weight of what she's been through (yet again). 
> 
> “I missed this before, didn’t I?”  
> “What do you mean?”  
> “I knew you but I didn’t get to see you.”

The world had ended. All the worlds. Except Kara found herself on patrol of the city she had called home well before the crisis had struck.

Things where both the same and different. The juxtaposition fit. She was alive somehow. So was the rest of her friends. She was lucky. Kara knew this but that didn’t stop her from feeling exhausted. It went to her bones. No amount of yellow sun could erase the weight of her memories. Not after everything. How many times did she have to experience loss of a home, a planet, everything she had grown to know?

Kara lands on Lena’s balcony. She’s not aware of what made her chose Lena’s, her body had lead her there.

Kara didn’t know where they were at. Everything had gone to shit. Then she talked to Lena, as well, as herself. It somehow went right, or at least not completely wrong. They had agreed to a new beginning of sorts. It wasn’t a fresh start. But it was something. They were putting one step in front of the other. This time it was in the right direction.

But that was before. Before the world suddenly wasn’t the same Earth-38 world. Kara had watched Argo be erased off the map. She felt her world dying yet again. But she had to put her own self beside. What was it that she had told Clark? Kara had spoken of hope and legacy. She said it so she would believe it too. She saw Clark buy in reminding her that she was the older cousin regardless of how long they both had been on Earth.

Kara wanted to believe that things would be okay. She had to.

Then she was named the paragon of hope. Kara thought she didn’t deserve the title. After everything she felt so far from that. The hope that she felt was closer to hopeless. But she had to persist. Kara didn’t have a choice. So she acted. It was one choice that turned into a series of actions. It all came to a point.

Then the worlds were saved.

As if everything in the universe could be contained in a sentence.

Kara wanted to go home. She didn’t know which home or if she even had one. There had been her home on Argo before the destruction of her world. The home that was forged with the Danvers. There was her life in National City.

Kara wanted to convince herself that things would be okay. That she was alive and this new life could and would count.

There was a person she needed to see. She had to hear her voice.

Lena made it back to her apartment after a long day. There were fires to be put out after the Earth’s resurrection. The board members looked to her as if she held all the answers. What she felt like more than anything was human. She felt fragile like she was one slip up from careening down a steep slope. What would she be then? What would failure afford her?

Lena stepped out of her heels after closing the door behind her. The security protocols she had coded herself shifted.

It wasn’t until Lena had put on comfy clothes that normally lived at a bottom of a drawer did she see Kara.

She was sitting on her cement balcony.

Lena paused. She wasn’t sure she was ready to see Kara. They had shared a brief hug when the crisis was truly over. But there were things to do. A superhero was needed. A super genius and billionaire CEO had to make decisions. Life got in the way.

It had been days.

She sees it on Kara’s face.

It scares her. It leaves Lena feeling a little unsettled. She knows the expression on Kara’s face. It’s not that she’s seen her wear it before. It’s that Lena had seen it looking back at her in the mirror. It was the face of someone who had made mistakes. Someone who had to chose one life for another. It was the heart ache of being a person who was expected to be more than that. It was when the bar was set impossibly high but every god damn time they step up to the line throwing themselves at whatever challenge. There wasn’t a day where trying wasn’t an option.

Lena got a drink for herself and a water for Kara.

She gets a delayed reaction as she sits next to Kara.

Lena puts the water bottle into her hands.

She murmurs a thanks before she looks at her.

There’s a wealth of pain there between them.

They sit like that looking out onto the city. Signs of life are everywhere it’s almost overwhelming. Lena doesn’t know what to say. She remains quiet but that doesn’t mean she regrets being there with Kara. It’s the opposite. She wonders if it’s right after everything.

“I keep thinking that this is all a dream and I’m going to wake up to this world dying and I’ll be stuck in the phantom zone again unable to help anyone even myself.”

“Kara.”

“Maybe it’s dumb. Okay, I know it’s stupid. After everything I’m supposed to be the one who has hope. I’m waiting for the time I don’t wake up.”

Lena puts her arm around her best friend.

“I haven’t told anyone that. It’s weird to hear myself say it.” Kara takes a raggedy breath. She’s struggling for control over her emotions. She can’t keep it all squeezed down. “I lost everything. How am I supposed to just wake up and do it day after day?”

Lena’s voice is quiet. “I don’t know.”

“I’m scared Lena. What happens when I’m not in time? What if I chose wrong?”

She’s trembling. That’s not what Lena remarks on. “I believe in you.”

“But why?”

Lena thinks before she speaks. “Because I want more for the people I care about. If I tell myself that tomorrow is going to be better than today then it needs to be for you to. You saved the multiverse Kara.”

She scoffs.

“It’s true.”

Kara swipes at her own tears. She feels unhinged. “I wish I could believe in myself like you do.”

It steals Lena’s breathe away. It’s not the time to back out. “You came here tonight.”

“I did.”

“Out of all the places.”

Kara doesn’t say anything.

“I’m not mad. I’m just pointing it out.” Lena tries again. “You taught me that just because a person makes mistakes doesn’t mean that they are a mistake.”

A sob comes from the woman next to her.

“Kara you helped save not just the world but the multiverse. Maybe you don’t want to hear that but you can get through anything.”

Kara stops and starts. “I don’t think I could stand to lose a world I called home again.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“I can’t promise the future.” Lena’s logical. “Neither of us can. But I can promise that the sun is going to rise in the east tomorrow and it will set in the west. It’s not that any of this is easy. But Kara, easy is not something you or I have been familiar with.

“Tomorrow is always going to be tomorrow. We only have today. You know that as well as I do.”

Her voice is small. “Yeah.”

“You came here.”

“I hope that’s okay.”

“It is. I wasn’t expecting it but I’m not unhappy about it.”

Kara nods.

“I missed this before, didn’t I?”

“What do you mean?”

“I knew you but I didn’t get to see you.”

Kara blushes.

“Let’s not lose each other.”

She pivots to face the other woman. “Promise?”

“I promise.”

Kara earns a raised eyebrow when she sticks out her pinky. “It’s what makes it legit.”

Lena says fine as she mirrors Kara.

They’re sharing the same air.

Green eyes and blue eyes are locked. Lena hears herself out loud. “Together.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The mad need to destroy floods her mind. She reaches out and grabs anything her hands can find to break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter needs a trigger warning. Lena incurs a cut and there is blood followed by stitches.

Lena is destroying everything in sight.

Kara had told her that Lex was alive. Lena had asked her what she had said. She had repeated herself. Then Lena was grabbing for anything within her reach she could smash onto her wood floors. There was a wake of devastation behind her as she moved from the kitchen to the living room of her apartment.

It wasn’t like her previous outburst. This wasn’t directed at Kara. Lena didn’t know who to be mad at other than a god in which she didn’t believe in.

The shattering sound of each glass and vase is gratifying to Lena’s ears. She’s cognitively fightingoff the ringing of her ears ever since Kara had uttered the words.

“It took all that I had to pull the trigger and now he’s alive?”

Lena knows Kara wouldn’t lie, not about something of this magnitude.

If her brother was alive, what did that mean for her? The one thing she couldn’t get over was murdering him in cold blood. She had watched him die in front of her. And now, now he was alive?

She rips the magazines on the table. Halves then quarters.

It’s not enough.

“I watched him die. And now what, that suddenly doesn’t count? I don’t count?”

Kara watches Lena move like a tornado through her apartment. She’s listening to her heartbeat trying to drown out the sharp crashes and harsh thuds.

Lena’s eyes are blurred with tears. She resents herself for being hysterical. She hates herself so fiercely. Why couldn’t she be enough? She so desperately wants her actions to mean something.

She’s stopped in the space just before her bedroom. Kara is pressing a cloth to the palm of her left hand. It’s stained red with her own blood. She wasn’t aware when she got cut or what it was on.

Kara’s using restrained gentleness, reminding herself to apply just the right pressure to Lena’s hand.

She’s lucky she didn’t hit the artery. Her recklessness leaves her with more than just a trail of ruined expensive things.

She lets herself be cared for by Kara.

Lena’s crying in earnest as Kara guides her to sit on the edge of her bed. “I was so goddamn sure Kara.” Her voice warbles, “I had made the choice and I have had to live with it. I killed my own brother. I’m a monster just like him.”

“Lena, you’re not.”

“What if I am though? What if after everything I turn into him? What if I am destined to be like him.”

“You’re not.”

“How can you be so sure?”

The mattress sinks under Kara’s weight. She readjusts the fabric, and thinks through her words. Lena is vulnerable, her brokenness on display. But Kara would never call it that. Kara saw a beautiful woman who had been through hell and back. She could see that she was fighting herself. Kara suspected that Lena was scared of who she saw looking back in the mirror.

“I killed my Uncle. My Aunt Astra’s husband.”

Lena focuses on Kara.

Kara doesn’t like talking about it. Remembering hurts.

“I almost lost everything, my whole world. I just couldn’t. I didn’t think I had a choice. I acted and I made it so he was gone.”

“Kara, I didn’t.”

“I didn’t tell you. You were in Metropolis then anyway. What’s another rogue Kryptonian being removed from the picture?”

She coughs. “I did what I was capable of. You did what you thought was right Lena.”

“I killed him.”

Kara doesn’t negate that.

“And he’s back?”

“In some capacity yes.”

Lena’s heart sinks.

“That doesn’t change what I did.”

Kara tries again. “Would you do anything different though?”

Her answer is no.

“You’re human Lena.”

The words taste coarse. “When has that ever been enough?”

Kara doesn’t hesitate. “During the daxamite invasion. Not to mention the billions of people you helped evacuate at the start of crisis. Lena you’re the smartest person I know. None of this would have been possible without you.”

The words seem to bounce of Lena.

“What about Sam?”

“What about Sam?”

“Do you really think anyone else would have been able to separate her from Reign?”

Lena sighs.

“See. No one would have been able to do that. You saved Argo on top of that. From everything I’ve seen the only thing you have done is save people. And you thought you were saving the people you loved when it came to Lex. You told me that in the fortress.”

Lena doesn’t want to think about the visit to the fortress nor her effort with myriad. It feels like failure.

“I was dealing with my choices.”

Kara looks out into the wreckage of Lena’s apartment. She doesn’t say what it looks like. It certainly was not what dealing with things well looked like. 

Her words come out in a whisper. “What am I supposed to do?”

Kara has an arm around her friend. “The same thing you have always shown me, you’re going to put one foot in front of the other again and again. Alex likes to tell me that shit is always going to happen. There’s no stopping that. It’s about how you deal with things. We have to try. Stronger together, remember?”

Lena’s head rests on Kara’s shoulder. Stronger together. She wanted to believe it.

Kara uses her superspeed to clean Lena’s apartment. Two industrial trash bags lay filled and left by the door as she and Lena leave by the elevator. 

Kara brings Lena to the DEO in order to get her hand stitched up. It was Kara’s idea in the first place.

Lena was sitting in one of the health bays. Alex Danvers was on a chair at her side.

Kara watches her as Lena grits her teeth. She’s called away with a Supergirl emergency. She hesitates. The moment seems to freeze for Lena. She sees Kara weigh her duties. She doesn’t leave immediately. Kara looks at Lena. It’s evident she wants to stay.

Lena tells her to go. Kara accepts her words but she doesn’t use her powers just then.

She presses a kiss to the top of Lena’s head, only then does she fly out of the room.

Alex doesn’t say anything. There was no mention of how she incurred the cut either.

Alex applies one last bandage. “All set.”

Lena thanks the older Danvers sister.

“It happens.”

“Alex?”

“What’s up?”

Lena bites her lip. She can’t help but wonder if she breaks everything she touches. She feels doomed.

Alex doesn’t quite smile. “It’s not easy.”

“What makes you say that?”

“We all have to get out of bed each morning Lena.”

She remembers what Kara had said. “One foot in front of the other.”

“Exactly.”

“How do you do it?”

She glimpses something blow across Alex’s face before being replaced with a neutral expression. “It’s not a choice.”

“What?”

“I don’t know who I would be if I didn’t try.”

“You make it sound easy.”

“We both know it’s not. Look, my parents taught me this before Kara got here: if you want something you have to try. The true failure is doing nothing.”

Lena mulls over the words.

“The only person I know who to be is someone who shows up. Of all the versions of myself this is the only one I accept. The person who stands up. Who else would I want to be?”

With a whoosh of air Kara comes back into the room whatever emergency resolved. She looks between her sister and Lena.

Lena gets to her feet. Alex busies herself with cleaning up and putting things away.

Kara has a hand on the small of Lena’s back.

Lena stops in the doorway. “Thank you Alex.”

She looks up and meets Lena’s eyes. She nods.

Lena’s grateful.

They go back to Kara’s apartment. She lets herself be taken care of by Kara. Lena lets herself believe that in Kara’s arms the world could be held at bay for the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that the timeline for this story is a bit wonky. But I wanted to write something about post-crisis where Lena has to deal with the fact that Lex is alive. That's where this chapter comes from.  
> Thanks for reading this story, happy 2020!


	6. Chapter 6

Lena Luthor was not used to be taken care of. She didn’t know of a scientific reason of how one person could be enough.

She kept waiting for Kara to simply stop. Lena thought it was inevitable. Her past had taught her that much.

Kara tried. She wanted to be there for Lena. So she did just that.

Meals that Lena would have otherwise forgotten. On the nights Lena stayed inordinately late after normal business hours she would swing by.

Lena couldn’t hep but think about the times before when Kara had done the exact same things all before her vision of Supergirl and Kara Danvers had collided into one. It was before the world had abruptly ended and then came back. She didn’t remember not being. There was a window of time though, as Kara had explained at length to her, which she was removed from existence.

Kara kept talking, holding Lena’s eyes.

It was never that it was easy. But Kara wanted to be the person who could be there for Lena. It was all she had ever wanted.

She’s not sure why Kara Danvers has stuck around. One day she asks her, there’s no wine to blame.

So Lena says it again. She is shocked by how seemingly normal her own voice sounds. “Why are you here?”

Kara stammers. “I, I d-don’t think I get your question.”

Lena raises an eyebrow. She wanted to know.

Kara’s shoulders shrug. She looks dejected.

Lena half expects her to walk away. It would be easier that way somehow she was already familiar with the pain of abandonment.

Her voice comes through. “Do you remember when you asked me if I would hurt you again?”

Lena manages to nod.

“I don’t want to hurt you Lena. I, that’s, I don’t want that to happen. You get that, right?”

Kara meets Lena’s eyes. She says yes.

“I’m not leaving.”

She says it like she mean it. Lena recognizes that. It’s anything but small. But she needs something. She wants to latch onto something. A promise is something. The truth somehow means more. But there’s always something which existed on the peripheries. Lena could never see it clearly. She just knew it was out there.

Kara stands next to Lena. Her arm is around her shoulder. Lena sinks into her. It was all too easy. She didn’t know what to do with it. Lena didn’t know how to be loved.

“I love you.”

Kara repeats it back the words back to her.

Lena says it again, her eyes fixed on Kara trying to communicate how this love of hers for Kara was different from anything else she had experienced. When Lena saw Kara she saw the person and it went so much further than just how beautiful she was. It was that Lena felt so deeply and the only reason she could hate Kara was because she had loved her. But there she was, in love, with Kara Danvers all over again.

She will think back later and congratulate herself on the bravery.

Kara is looking at her as if she’s the only other person in the entire world.

She wanted to be that person for her. It hurt but that was far surpassed by the opportunity to soar.

Lena doesn’t hold back. She figures it’s all on the table.

They kiss. Then one kiss turns into several. It’s broken when Kara backs away. Lena is frozen. Because she had no longer had to imagine what it felt like to kiss Kara. Now she knew. It was so distinctly Kara. Tender, loving, soft, affirmative all at the same time.

They look at each other, the line they crossed lays behind them.

Kara apologizes. Then she does it again. “I can’t Lena. I’m sorry. I can’t be that person for you.”

Lena’s heart fractures as Kara pleads with her. She hears her say the words, “It’s not you it’s me. I just can’t hurt you Lena. You wanted me to promise. I promised myself I wouldn’t do that. I love you so god damn much and I can’t be that person. I can’t hurt you again.”

She doesn’t know who she’s trying to get to believe the words. They’re spilling from her like a summer rainstorm. It’s meant to break the moment. It doesn’t, just as the rain drops evaporate from the pavement so to does Karas words.

They’re left standing there looking but not looking at each other. Green and blue eyes meet for only fleeting half seconds.

Lena doesn’t accept or rebuke Kat’s apologies. The present stretches out in front of them.

“You said you wouldn’t leave.”

“I’m not leaving.”

“Is that what you want?”

“God, no Lena. That’s the last thing I want. I just, I’m not ready. I don’t know how to say it or how to explain it. I don’t know how to be the person you need me to be. You deserve that and so much more.”

“I want you Kara.”

There are tears in Kara’s eyes.

Then It’s all out there.

“I always have.”

It’s a mess, the two of them together.

Lena opened the box and she had not given thought to what would emerge from it. She thinks she should have foreseen all of this. But she wouldn’t take back the kiss. No. That she keeps with her. It doesn’t sting. It’s a searing memory. It’s imprinted in her heart.

Kara sleeps on the couch insisting she wasn’t going to take the bed nor was she going to leave.

Lena is staring up at her ceiling, her ears straining to hear Kara in the room over.

Kara is using her powers to keep her cries silent. It’s not something that came from being Kryptonian. It was from being a teenage orphan on a foreign planet. It was a defense measure. Because she never wanted to explain why she was crying. Loss reverberated within her. A lost planet. A lost promise.

Kara wanted to be a person she could be proud of. She wanted to be that person for Lena. But how could she be if all she felt like she was doing was hurting her further?

She wasn’t going to break her promise. But Kara was going to find a way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a while since I've updated. This chapter isn't the longest but there will be more. These two both want the best for each other. But they're both afraid of themselves and the pain that they cause. It's complicated but maybe that's what makes it human.   
> Thanks for reading.


	7. Chapter 7

Kara’s aware she didn’t do the right thing. But there was a doubt in her mind. There was so much at play. She had promised not to hurt Lena again. But that was what had happened. Kara thought she was shielding her. Because what would it mean if Kara gave her her whole self? That wasn’t something to come back from.

She loved Lena. That wasn’t a question. She wanted to take care of her. But she didn’t know if she could lose her too. Kara thought about her past and how everyone she loved died or was sent off into the far reaches of space. It was a pattern she couldn’t unsee. Kara couldn’t help but think she was the reason. It all led back to her. That’s what she saw. It’s what she thought.

Lena didn’t expect Kara to be there in the morning. She was though. She had already went for her favorite coffee and scone. Lena wanted to be mad at her. But there was something in Kara’s face when she looked at her that made her pause.

There was fear. She didn’t know if it was regret or something akin to pain.

Lena had no urge to make her feel worse.

They shared the meal in silence. She wasn’t sure if that was easier or it only complicated matters further.

Somethings were broken. Sometimes those things could be fixed. Other times what was broken was just that, broke. There was no fixing.

Lena had thought that she was done for when it came to emotions and relationships. She had sworn herself off from them when she came to National City. That was before Kara Danvers had come into her life. She had broken down her walls and changed her life.

This woman had made all the difference.

It was all there in a sense that whatever it was, it stuck with her. Lena had forgiven her as much as a person could when their world was flipped upside down and inside out. Nothing could go back and change things or make them easier. It was tangled together. It was far from perfect. But Lena had thought she could and was moving forward.

Lena had tried with Kara. She had given her her truth. It wasn’t that Kara was obligated to return her feelings or even act on them. It was that Lena knew Kara and she had felt her with her there in the moment. There was something that was stopping Kara. It wasn’t Lena. And it wasn’t Lena’s responsibility to fix Kara. There was nothing wrong with her. She had made a choice. Lena had to accept that in the same way she hoped and knew Kara would if the tables were turned.

Lena knew that if you loved someone it meant loving all of them. The good, the bad and the ugly. Loving someone when it was easy wasn’t the hard part. It required more. It scared Lena how committed she was. But she couldn’t turn her back on it. Just like she couldn’t turn her back on Kara Danvers. She was far past the point of no return.

It was like that, uneasy period of quiet not so much shared but lived in together. There were conversations which were not about anything but the undertones were about everything.

Lena had given Kara her heart.

She had to put it back together again.

So she did the one thing she had always done. She put one foot in front of the other, over and over again. The person who was her best friend was the person she loved. She was part of her life. She didn’t want distance. There was no fault to be allocated.

They were two people. She was an adult so she tried to act like one. It wasn’t easy but when it came to what really mattered easy was rarely part of the conversation.

Kara looked to her with something she could not decipher hiding in her eyes. Lena didn’t want to know what it was that Kara kept inside. She knew whatever it was Kara was choosing to hold back. She’d say it when she was ready. Or she wouldn’t say it at all. Lena had to trust her and Lena had to trust her self. If she wanted Kara to be in her life there were somethings that just existed in the gray, painful or not, Kara was her friend. It was not one thing when it was everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a shorter chapter but I wanted to put something up that would move the story forward. I think that the next chapter might be the conclusion for this story. I have an idea so if you'll stick with me I'll try to provide accordingly. 
> 
> As always thanks for reading.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's you. It's always been you."

“I don’t know how to do this.”

Lena doesn’t think she heard her right.

Kara shakes her head in defeat saying it again.

She’s not sure.

Lena’s silent. She can’t read her mind. There’s a timidness about her, so far from being the girl of steel.

She had thought about it and thought about it. It had seeped into every part of her life.

She had messed up somewhere along the line.

Kara had kissed her back She had wanted that and so much more. She had tried and failed to trick herself into nothingness. There was so much that could go wrong. She didn’t know how to reconcile it.

Kara didn’t know that Lena counted the days and waited for her to leave. The one thing she never expected was for her to stay.

They were what the other needed.

But they didn’t say it.

They looked at each other. It was different. Not like in the wake of crisis which was chaotic and draining. Nor was it like the events of the fortress and the ensuing series of consequences.

These matters didn’t concern the world. It was between the two of them. It held weight and importance all the same. It felt like it could be the world.

Kara doesn’t really stumble into the conversation rather she crashes head first into it.

“I didn’t mean to make this weird.”

Lena’s eyebrows go up in a silent question.

“I made this weird…” Kara looks at Lena. She feels how far they are. She can’t forget the distance they’ve come. She promised herself. “You kissed me and the world stopped.”  
They were having that conversation, _the_ conversation.

“And I remembered when you asked me if I would hurt you again. I didn’t have the answer then. I still don’t. Because the last thing I want to do is hurt you. But lately that feels like all I’ve been doing.

“You said you were in love with me. Lena I don’t know how to not love you.”

Kara feels like she’s standing there like she’s a fish out of water.

Lena doesn’t joke and ask Kara if she said more than she intended to. That was beside the point with the words that lay before them.

Lena shouldn’t give her an out but she does. “Do you mean that?”

Kara would be lying if she said anything other than yes.

She’s honest. “Yes. I’m scared that I’m going to say or do the wrong thing all over again.”

“Okay.”

There’s a spark of hope in Kara’s eyes.

Lena watches it catch.

“You kissed me back.”

“I did.”

Lena takes a step. “If I kissed you again, would you kiss me back?”

Kara licks her lips nodding yes.

She takes a step and then another. She’s in Kara’s space.

She whispers, “What’s stopping you Kara?”

Kara doesn’t know where to look. Her body feels awake and abuzz with Lena right there.

She’s making it abundantly clear.

“I don’t want to lose you.”

Lena’s breath is hot on her skin. “So don’t.”

Kara’s not sure. She squeezes her eyes shut. Lena is many thing to her. Even that felt like a gross understatement.

She told herself not to screw this up.

“I’m right here.”

Kara reaches out her hands find Lena’s waist.

There is no space between them. They’re communicating without talking. Lena feels Kara with her there. The only thing Kara hears is Lena.

They create their own world together. It’s not what Kara expected. Because she could have only dreamt of getting to see Lena like this. Her pupils huge. The way she looked at Kara made her feel wanted like she belonged in that very moment with her. There was no other place to be.

Lena feels overwhelmed with sheer want. She needs the weight of Kara on her. She wants to feel this woman who yearned for.

Kara’s no longer hesitant. There’s purpose in each of her actions. She lifts Lena up without a thought. Lena wraps her legs around her as Kara carries her into her room laying her down gently in the middle of her bed. There’s tenderness in her strength.

Kara’s above her, bearing her weight on her forearms. She’s gazing at Lena and she feels seen for the first time that she can remember. Lena’s in awe of Kara and she’s hungry for her. She wants to show her how she feels.

They build the moment together. It’s the two of them. Two fractured souls coming together. The fear is set aside because there is only room for something bigger than just one person. It’s not that Lena can form the words as Kara makes her feel as if she’s flying all without leaving the comfort of her bedroom. It’s that through the whole night she feels taken care of, respected, and loved. Kara is with her in each moment and she wouldn’t have it any other way. This woman here with her, she’s the one that she loves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking around and reading this story. This one has been written over a series of months. I can't say what will happen with the characters in canon (or that this story has strictly followed canon). But that's where fan fiction steps up to bat.


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